The Saoirse Chronicles-Healing @21 Plus-Page 4

Another quiet Sunday morning. Another weekend over.

At this point in her life, Saoirse hadn't decided which was worse: being single, being an empty nester, or an only child. Each carried its own acceptable degree of loneliness.

An empty nest had always been inevitable. The single part? She never imagined that would be her reality at this stage of life.  But the only-child thing... that was different.  Because she was—and she wasn't an only child.  She had spent the first forty years of her life believing she was an only child, navigating life through her mother Kathleen's narcissistic fantasy world—a place where accountability didn't exist and every problem belonged to someone else. Then, ancestry.com revealed otherwise.  She had two brothers. How do you grieve people who were never dead? It's a strange kind of heartbreak, realizing you were never actually alone. You were simply separated from people you never had the chance to know. She wasn't mourning the brothers themselves as much as the lifetime of memories that could never be recreated. Scraped knees. Inside jokes. Holiday traditions. Birthday parties. Family arguments. Weddings. Sunday dinners. Nieces and nephews.  Someone fiercely protective over a baby sister.  The countless little moments siblings collect without realizing they're building a shared history.  By the time she learned the truth, those memories belonged to a life she would never get to live.  But fear has a way of convincing you otherwise. She had already survived enough rejection for one lifetime.  And there were so many lies and stories to weed through.  Three parents, all had abandoned her either physically, emotionally or both, each had their own version of the 'why,' most of which wasn't factual. Each managed to leave their own unique scars. The thought of reaching out only to discover her brothers wanted nothing to do with her felt like emotional annihilation. Processing that she wasn't important enough to fight for, what devastating. Her heart simply couldn't survive another brutal abandonment.  So, Saoirse did nothing.  It was easier and safer to remain the only child than risk confirming she wasn't wanted again.  Instead, she quietly envied friends and cousins who complained about their siblings. They had no idea how lucky they were to have someone who shared their childhood.  This was just another thing that made her feel different from everyone else. And the list was a long.  Although she was very much loved by an extended family. She'd grown up without unconditional parental love, stability and security.  She was a pawn in a game of chess, with three adults that couldn’t get their shit together. Two men incapable of managing her mother's multiple manipulative personalities and a self-absorbed woman that was only concerned about herself. Her childhood wasn't merely unconventional—it was sad and isolating.

So how did she survive?

Well, her great aunts, her grandfather and beloved uncle. Also, she learned to be grateful for the smallest things. A good cup of coffee on a quiet Sunday morning. The sound of rain tapping against the windows. Friends from grammar and high school who were more like sisters-“Four years to last a lifetime.” Spending time in Ireland and England with the family she'd found later in life.

Gratitude didn't erase the hurt. It simply made the load lighter to carry.